My Best Friend Porn

Dick Towel! Awesome, hilarious, you haaaave to have one!
Get your Dick Towel here, at DickTowel.com

SHE SAYS:
WOW! Lexi Lapetina somehow had the ability to make me feel bad about the size about MY dick! She’s mean. Why does this exist?

SHE SAYS:
I apologize for my level of hate in this post, it is just that I am just so unbelievably tired of these fucking Japanese girls whining and whimpering like fucking babies. Enjoy sex, like a woman would. Stop acting like a child.

SHE SAYS:
Sheesh! It looks pretty tiny, eh? Well, this clip still ends up being sexier than most porn I see. I love, love, love creampies. Good job Mr. Smallpenis. You made my day. …and I NEVER thought I would say that.

HE SAYS:
Why do Asian women in porn always sound like they are giving birth or being murdered during sex? I really liked this clip too. It seemed like the girl was actually really getting off, which always makes a scene hot. Maybe that tiny dick was hitting just the right spot.

SHE SAYS:
Was that an orgasm? Was that even a penis? WAIT! And the next guy, too, at 12:44. I need to know. Wait, is this what is happening: can you just basically hold in your cum – like a sneeze – and then still release after your dick is limp? How in the hell did I not know this? Someone please explain this to me!

HE SAYS:
WHAT THE FUCK? This is the saddest collection of cumshots in the history or porn. I was already confused by the tiny dick at 12:08 but somehow the guy at 12:44 manages to have an orgasm with the world’s smallest, limpest, floppiest dick ever. I have never seen anything like this. Sure, you can be slightly flaccid and still cum but these guys look they just soaked in ice water for 2 hours. I am baffled by this.

HE SAYS:
Wow! Even though this guy has a short, skinny, little dick he somehow manages to produce a ridiculous amount of cum. Jesus Christ! It’s a good thing his girlfriend is wearing her ulta-cool cum goggles or she most likely would have been blinded by the giant jizz wave. I recently looked up “water boarding” on Youtube because I didn’t really know what it consisted of and I’ll tell you what, it looks a lot like this facial.

SHE SAYS:
I hope she is wearing her cum goggles because that is really a 12-year-old boy and she doesn’t want to be identified. I feel bad for a man with such a small dick. Wait, no I don’t…I DON’T wish that was a 12-year-old-boy at all! What is wrong with me?

Awkward Boners – Because it happens to the best of us.

I have not had an awkward boner since 8th grade when I used to get them in EVERY class. I had to wear jeans every day and would usually spend the last 10 minutes of each class thinking of the most horrible, un-sexy things I could to get my boner to go down. That was a long year.

God bless AwkwardBoners.com

SHE SAYS:
This is probably one of the most disgusting things I have seen in a very long time. This is worse than that girl’s pussy in my Coca Cola Light post. This guy is stuffing Taco Bell down his hairy throat and then some girl tries to stuff Taco Bell in his hairy ass. This guy is so fucking hairy and his dick is so flaccid that I don’t think I can look at another guy – real or digital – for a while. Or hair. Or Taco Bell. This fucking guy ruined all of my favorite things for me!

HE SAYS:
No no no, you have it all wrong. This is not meant to be porn, I’m pretty sure this is actually a scene from the ABC hit “According to Jim” starring the incredible Jim Belushi, or as I like to call him “The Belush.” It has been a while since you have seen mainstream television because you spend all of your time watching porn. Trust me, this is considered normal TV now.