My Best Friend Porn

SHE SAYS:
I know. I know that this isn’t how bachelorette parties typically go, but for some weird reason, I liked this clip. I know it is fake and cheesy, but the teasing in the beginning and the laughing and the “fun” it portrayed for some reason got me really horny! I hope The Guy doesn’t make fun of me for liking this one.

SHE SAYS:
You like this old fashioned corset? Reminds me of bein a saloon girl or somethin. I like how John Holmes just tells her something along the lines of “Yeah, it’s sexy or whatever. Now take it off already would ya?” Who needs a corset when you have that amazing bush anyways. Oh Desiree, why didn’t you teach future generations of pornstars how to grow bushes and have sex?

HE SAYS:
This clip makes me hate contemporary porn. With most new porn, we have been robbed of the awesomely bad story lines and dialogue the vintage porn treats us too. Also, the amazing generic porno music tracks have been replaced with the sounds of girls gagging and saying “oooo yeah, fuck, fuck, shit, make me gag on your cock, oh fuck me, ooooo, fuck, shit, fuck, ooooh.” SHUT UP! I want to hear wall-to-wall funky instrumental porno jams quietly rocking the background. Desiree Cousteau is hot because she looks like a real woman, unlike most of the plastic “sluts” working today who know nothing about what it takes to be sexy. This clip has all the basic elements still used today, but it’s so much better because it it’s toned down and isn’t violent, degrading and gimmicky like most new porn. I miss porn from the 70s and early 80s so much, it was definitely the golden era.

SHE SAYS:
I can take or leave anime. This time I am taking it. I took my hand and put it in a special place during this clip. You are welcome for the visual. I was hoping for that normally glorious cartoon cumshot though…and I got nothing. However, the big eyed whore gets something at the end, and if it was an orgasm I am jealous. Why don’t my orgasms end with a white light and shimmering halo? Maybe Mary’s did. Mary, the mother of Jesus Christ probably had some amazing orgasms. Why shouldn’t she? God owed it to her. I mean, she had to get pregnant with THE SON OF GOD without having sex. I think an all caring and loving God would have given Mary an amazing orgasm at that point. That’s how I see my God. What was I talking about again?

SHE SAYS:
I love massage clips. I have said this over and over. I am definitely turned on by the tease, and this clip has just enough of it. Just enough you say? Yes, just enough. I think they can do a better job at the tease portion. They sorta just dive right on in! But let’s back it up a bit. Let me just say that I love the back story. One friend just recommending a masseuse to another friend? Right. I really do love these girls and their foundation-crusted faces, their damaged frosted hair, their amber teeth, their earrings, their clicky-button phones, their tans…everything! As much as I think their styles are funny, their bodies are sexy. I got very turned on right away while watching this and masturbated twice. My very favorite part of the WHOLE clip? The very last frame. I want that hanging in my bathroom. You know what is my second favorite thing? THE FUNERAL HOME HOLD MUSIC PLAYING OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

HE SAYS:
Maybe it’s because I was a teen in the 80s, but porn from that period, especially when it has that VHS video tape look, always turns me on. It reminds me of skateboarding home after school, un-pegging my jeans and masturbating to my yearbook. Yes, I had to masturbate to my yearbook because this was before high school girls posted slutty photos of themselves on Myspace and Facebook. Kids today have no idea what we went through just to jerk off. I liked the synthy classical music in this clip, it classed it up in a classy way and made it classy.

HE SAYS:
I think The Girl will really like this one. Oh crap, her internet connection is down, I hope she gets to see it soon! She will like the retro pin up style, the happy music, the teasing of the over-the-uniform boob touching, the nipple sucking and the fact that these girls chose the noble profession of nursing. She will also think the glass dildo wrecks the nice vintage vibe they had going. Overall, I think this is a very hot scene though!

SHE SAYS:
Watch Muffy as she licks nipples. Watch as they put down computer geeks and tell them to “get a life.” Watch as they kill each other by giving each other orgasms. Listen to the AWESOME sound effects. Embarrassingly, I masturbated to this. Sorry everybody. I wish Facebook wasn’t so influential in my life. Well, without it I would not have been as inspired to do the vampire porn search, and without it I would have not found this gem of a clip. Right?

SHE SAYS:
Could a guy be any more disgusting? Really? I really can’t get over how grossed out I am by this man’s appearance and performance. I really feel bad for poor Yuria Sendo. I want to give her a big hug. I want to hug her and kiss her and tell her that Turtle Man never will touch her again. Then I want to give her an orgasm. She deserves one. THIS GUY IS SO GROSS! What is with his slurping and his breathing and his ass hair and his gigantic tongue? Side note: I wore this exact outfit in high school, minus the tie. Really.