My Best Friend Porn

SHE SAYS:
I know. I know that this isn’t how bachelorette parties typically go, but for some weird reason, I liked this clip. I know it is fake and cheesy, but the teasing in the beginning and the laughing and the “fun” it portrayed for some reason got me really horny! I hope The Guy doesn’t make fun of me for liking this one.

SHE SAYS:

My maid fantasy is a little more subtle than these. I think the classic outfit is a little too costumey, but I still think it is sexy. I like the idea of a short skirt, thigh highs, and a garter belt. I also like the idea of there being a very long tease. The first clip has a bit of the tease in there…but I would go even further. Maybe start off with a shirt ON or something? Well, without further ado, here are three very different French Maid-themed clips. Enjoy!

HE SAYS:
I know it’s a cliche, but the French maid outfit is fucking hot! Even the cheap ones from your local sex shop are hot. It really is one of the all-time great fantasies and The Girl rules for posting this collection of maid porn!

Ummm…yeah. So, there’s a lot of asshole licking. Not quite my style, but maybe you poop-loving folks will get a kick out of it.

Wonderful lesbian scene. Not quite sure if they are maids or where that ties in, but it doesn’t matter, does it?

SHE SAYS:
You like this old fashioned corset? Reminds me of bein a saloon girl or somethin. I like how John Holmes just tells her something along the lines of “Yeah, it’s sexy or whatever. Now take it off already would ya?” Who needs a corset when you have that amazing bush anyways. Oh Desiree, why didn’t you teach future generations of pornstars how to grow bushes and have sex?

HE SAYS:
This clip makes me hate contemporary porn. With most new porn, we have been robbed of the awesomely bad story lines and dialogue the vintage porn treats us too. Also, the amazing generic porno music tracks have been replaced with the sounds of girls gagging and saying “oooo yeah, fuck, fuck, shit, make me gag on your cock, oh fuck me, ooooo, fuck, shit, fuck, ooooh.” SHUT UP! I want to hear wall-to-wall funky instrumental porno jams quietly rocking the background. Desiree Cousteau is hot because she looks like a real woman, unlike most of the plastic “sluts” working today who know nothing about what it takes to be sexy. This clip has all the basic elements still used today, but it’s so much better because it it’s toned down and isn’t violent, degrading and gimmicky like most new porn. I miss porn from the 70s and early 80s so much, it was definitely the golden era.

Big erect nipples. You are welcome. (Damn, she’s married!)

SHE SAYS:
Where do bad pornies go when they die?
They don’t go to heaven where the angels fly
They go to a lake of cum and pubes
and dicks and cunts and more pubes and also boobs

I knew a lady who licked a pressboard-dick
She got some bad implants that leaked too quick
She went to her grave just a little too soon
She was wearing a weird hat, a type known as “coon”

Where do bad pornies go when they die?
They don’t go to heaven where the angels fly
They go to a lake of cum and pubes
and dicks and cunts and more pubes and also boobs

people cry and people moan
look for a wet place for their genitals to call home
try to find some place to put their bone(r)s
While the angels and the devils
Try to make ‘em their own

Where do bad pornies go when they die?
They don’t go to heaven where the angels fly
They go to a lake of cum and pubes
and dicks and cunts and more pubes and also boobs

SHE SAYS:
I don’t know about you, but the use of Reddi-Whip (or European equivalent) is really making me nauseous in this clip. Now, I love canned cream as much as the next gal, but it is the volume being consumed and at such haste grosses me out. Those gigantic velcro shoes need to come off. That room needs to be changed. That cucumber needs to be used to its full potential or I am going to have to hurt somebody. OK end on a positive…positive note…positive note…um, I really like when my boobs are casually popping out of the bottom of a shirt. I really like that. I really like when a sexy man takes advantage of boobs popping out of the bottom of a shirt. I am going to have to find another clip that depicts this image now. Yes, a penis would have made this clip 567% better.

HE SAYS:
Why is this room so fucking bright? I’m about to have a seizure! It looks like a room from “Saved by the Bell.” As silly as some of this scene is I still achieved boner-dom. These girls are cute!

SHE SAYS:
Watch Muffy as she licks nipples. Watch as they put down computer geeks and tell them to “get a life.” Watch as they kill each other by giving each other orgasms. Listen to the AWESOME sound effects. Embarrassingly, I masturbated to this. Sorry everybody. I wish Facebook wasn’t so influential in my life. Well, without it I would not have been as inspired to do the vampire porn search, and without it I would have not found this gem of a clip. Right?

SHE SAYS:
Could a guy be any more disgusting? Really? I really can’t get over how grossed out I am by this man’s appearance and performance. I really feel bad for poor Yuria Sendo. I want to give her a big hug. I want to hug her and kiss her and tell her that Turtle Man never will touch her again. Then I want to give her an orgasm. She deserves one. THIS GUY IS SO GROSS! What is with his slurping and his breathing and his ass hair and his gigantic tongue? Side note: I wore this exact outfit in high school, minus the tie. Really.