My Best Friend Porn

Well, it’s about time the Breakfast Club was made into a porno! This time around the principal is a woman (for obvious reasons) and the misfit students are in college (for obvious reasons).

Here’s the official synopsis:
From New Sensations, the studio that brought you the hit parodies The Big Lebowski: A XXX Parody & The Office: A XXX Parody, comes a Sexy Spoof of one of the most Awesome movies of all time in THE BREAKFAST CLUB: A XXX PARODY!

When five College students are forced to spend their Saturday in detention, they think that it is going to be, like, a total bummer. But instead it turns out to be a total Fuckfest!
THE BREAKFAST CLUB: A XXX PARODY gives viewers the Sucking & Fucking that was sorely lacking from the iconic film! From the school’s star athlete putting the winning moves on the Sexy & quirky Loner, to the Renegade getting Pretty deep in Pink when he finally hooks up with the Popular Girl, to the class Geek popping cherries in his “totally-not-fake” memory of Niagara Falls! Throw in some perky cheerleader group sex, a beautiful Dean with a mean streak and a craving for cock, and you’ve got the sexiest day ever spent in a library since… ever!

Teen Angst has never been so funny & steamy as it is in THE BREAKFAST CLUB: A XXX PARODY.

Starring Faye Reagan, Andy San Dimas, Samantha Ryan, Syren Sexton, Brooke Van Bouren, Tessa Taylor, Breanne Benson, Levi Cash, Sonny Hicks, and Chad Alva.

Have you seen “Up In The Air” starring George Clooney? If not, I know you will now. Yeah it’s a good movie but the real reason to see it is the incredible ass and side boob of Sarah Tuttle. Who the hell is Sarah Tuttle? Sarah Tuttle is the nude body double for Vera Farmiga and in 9 seconds she made me fall in love with her. Vera Farmiga has been naked in a lot of movies but gave birth to a child only a few weeks before shooting “Up In The Air,” so the decision was made to use a body double. It’s obvious why Sarah Tuttle was chosen.

We salute you Sarah Tuttle!

HE SAYS:
If Sherilyn Fenn only knew how many times I masturbated to her image. She would… well she would probably not give a shit but that can’t erase hundreds of wonderful Fenn-induced orgasms. I first learned of Sherilyn Fenn when she starred in 1988′s erotic thriller “Two Moon Junction” with a topless Kristy McNichol and that long haired muscle guy whose career went nowhere. Two Moon Junction played on late night cable about 5 times a week and I managed to watch it every time. I had all the sex scenes taped on my VHS masturbation tape and spent many nights alone in the basement jerking off to various freeze-frames. Ah, what I life!

Then Sherilyn was cast as bad girl Audrey Horne in the David Lynch masterpiece “Twin Peaks.” Seriously, the first two seasons of Twin Peaks are genius! Thanks to Twin Peaks, we were treated to Sherilyn in sexy school girl outfits doing various bad girl things, including the iconic scene in which she ties a cherry stem in her mouth using only her tongue. It was around this time that Playboy did a naked spread with Sherilyn and my love (and wiener) grew. It was a great, classy, erotic series of nudes. I pretty much have them memorized.

Sherilyn went on to do many films, including starring in “Boxing Helena” directed by David Lynch’s daughter Jennifer Lynch, and did several more nude scenes but I have since lost touch with her. She will always be one of my favorite masturbation memories though. I ♥ you Sherilyn Fenn!

The amazing trailer for “Teenage Mother” or as the voiceover guy says “Teenage Mutha!”

Teenage Mother – 1967

HE SAYS:
What do you do when your senile father-in-law’s favorite cow dies? You strip naked, pretend to be a cow and let him milk your tits. Obviously! Yep, that’s the plot of a Japanese film called “A Lonely Cow Weeps at Dawn” directed by Daisuke Goto and starring Ryoko Asagi as the human cow. Japan is officially the most insane/awesome country on the planet!

A Lonely Cow Weeps At Dawn official website

Joyce Hyser flashing her boobs in “Just One of the Guys”

HE SAYS:
Wow, this image will forever be burned into my brain! I have easily masturbated to this freeze frame from the 80′s movie “Just One of the Guys” at least 200 times. Probably more! You see, when I was a young pervert in the 80′s porn was not as easy to come by as it is now. Instead of having a porn-filled internet I had a VHS videotape that consisted of about 2 hours of nude scenes that I lovingly taped off late night cable. I loved that tape, we had some good times together.

“Just One of the Guys,” starring Joyce Hyser, Clayton Rohner and Billy Jayne, had something to do with Hyser’s character, Terry Griffith, pretending to be a boy and enrolling in a new high school in order to prove the world is sexist or something. I don’t really know because I mostly just watched the boob flashing scene. For some reason, Hyser decides the only way to show this guy she is actually a girl is to flash her perfect C cup boobs at the prom. I can think of a few other methods that might have worked but I am not questioning her more awesome choice.

Unlike a lot of the “porn” on my jerk off tape, this scene only lasted about 2 seconds which meant I had to pause it and masturbate to the freeze frame. I could probably draw every detail of this still image with my eyes closed. It was one of my all-time favorite things to wank to and will always have a special place in my pants.

Joyce Hyser, I salute you! Thank you for so many great orgasms!

SHE SAYS:
What handsome, handsome boobs!

SHE SAYS:
So, “Tiffany Shepis” is the fifth top searched term of 2008. I thought you’d want to see her boobs. See? I ♥ you!

Tiffany Shepis nude movie stills

HE SAYS:
It’s kind of a weird thing writing the first post for a brand new website like this, mostly because I know nobody will be reading it. If you did accidentally find this website, welcome, there is a very good chance you are literally the first person to visit. If you have friends, please tell them.

OK, I guess I need to actually review “Zack and Miri Make a Porno” now. How does one convey a sad fart sound in print? I should have known better really, I just don’t like Kevin Smith movies. I thought “how bad could it be” with Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks starring and a plot revolving around porn (my best friend). Let’s just say that Kevin Smith owes me $10.

The whole thing was just a mess and barely worth writing about. In a lame attempt to give real porn a high-five, Smith cast porn legend Traci Lords and current porn star Katie Morgan with her annoying baby-talk and overstuffed tits. I guess it really wasn’t their fault they sucked though, Smith’s script was an impossible to polish turd. And what happened to Jason Mewes? His face looked odd almost like he was wearing a “Jason Mewes” mask or something. The weirdest thing is that somehow Smith managed to make a movie that is incredibly offensive and dumb (racial and shitting jokes) AND is also a cliched, overly sappy “romantic comedy” about best friends who have always loved each other but blah blah blah.

I was watching this movie wishing I was at home watching REAL porn. Real porn rarely lets me down. Real porn is always there for me. Real porn is my best friend!

SHE SAYS:
So, I could keep this short by simply saying that “Zach and Miri Make a Porno” sucked. I won’t though. For my first MyBestFriendPorn.com post, I want it to be good. I want it to be good because I want all of you readers out there (the three of us – one being “The Boy”, the other being myself, and you) to know that I love porn, and I didn’t love this movie. I really, really didn’t.

Kevin Smith, in general, has really not meant anything to me in terms of a film maker. A real person, maybe – I don’t know because we’ve never met. That gets me thinking though – maybe if we did meet we would sit on the couch, playing my Simpsons board game, eating various 7-11 purchased snacks and discussing his major roles such as “Jewish Guy” and “Grumpy Man.” Maybe our evening would be awesome. Maybe I would get really drunk, ignore his disgusting face, and maybe – just maybe – we would end up making out. Maybe he would excuse himself from our sexy scene to go the bathroom to shave his repulsive beard so he could go down on me and spare me from “road rash.” Spoiler alert: Zach shaves his beard before their big, “first time” sex scene with Miri so she didn’t have to deal with his prickliness. He refers to it as “road rash.” How cute. How nice. How romantic.

That brings me to my next point: This was a fucking romantic comedy. A ROMANTIC COMEDY! What could be worse than a romantic comedy, filled with stupid tear-inducing speeches and grand gestures and a disgustingly mismatched couple? I will tell you: one that involves porn. I didn’t even get to see a penis entering a vagina. I saw a bush at one point , some really hard, overly tanned stretch marked balloon boobs (Katie Morgan), and a penis (Jason Mewes), I didn’t see them come together in a way I would masturbate to. I say keep romantic comedies the way they are: ones that don’t have porn in the title so I am not suckered into going. I hated “Zach and Miri Make a Porno”. I love porn. I love porn as much as you. If you want to appease the porn gods, do not support this movie. Thank you and Amen!