My Best Friend Porn

HE SAYS:
I love 80′s porn and I love Ebony Aye, the star of this clip. She made many appearances on most of the VHS porn compilations I was able to acquire as a teen in the 80s. I like that she looks like a real woman and not some cartoonish stripper whore. I should also point out that I know someone who might own those EXACT chairs!

I ♥ 80s porn!

SHE SAYS:
Sheesh. Wow. Whoa. I am sorry, but I am not used to seeing such a large woman getting fucked by such a small man. How much of that do you think actually goes into the vagina? Be honest. Let’s take a poll here. I think somewhere around 1.5 inches actually goes into the vagina. Yeah, I am pretty certain it is no more than that.

HE SAYS:
That’s a good question. I think it could even be a little less than that. I would not be surprised if only an inch found its way in. The vagina must be huge too, so I would imagine it feels like fucking a glass of water.

HE SCREAMS:
Marie Love and her little Asian friend REALLY have a taste for some “man milkshakes” and they won’t shut the fuck up about it. I guess spending the afternoon swimming in the polar bear exhibit at the zoo will make you thirsty. I HATE THESE FUCKING BITCHES AND THEIR STUPID FUCKING RIDICULOUS LOUD GAGGING AND SLURPING! I HATE them so hard it forced me to use red text! RED GOD DAMN IT! Who the FUCK wants to watch this shit and who wants to listen to a girl choke, gag and barf? Oh my God, this is the worst clip ever. I don’t like to judge other people’s sexual preferences but I’ve got to be honest, I think there is something wrong with you if you enjoy watching forced blowjobs. Even if you take the forced aspect out of the equation, the sound alone is enough to make me INSANE! Seriously, does Marie Luv ever shut her dirty mouth? On second thought, keep that dick shoved down her throat so I don’t have to hear her talk anymore. It scares me that a whole generation of young men are growing up thinking this is normal. I hate porn right now, don’t even watch this.

SHE SAYS LOUDLY BUT NOT AS SCREAMY AS THE GUY:
I completely 100% agree. I wanted to throw up on all porn after watching this. I want all porn, good and bad, to be put in a gigantic pile (maybe the Grand Canyon would be a good location for this?), then someone needs to infect me with the influenza virus. Do you know a pilot? Well, I am also going to need someone to fly me over this pile of porn in a helicopter. In the helicopter, someone else must feed me protein like milk and cheese and meat and play this clip for me. Then I will stick my head out and vomit all over the porn, over and over again. Then someone will have to mix the porn around, obviously, to make sure that all pieces are well coated, and I haven’t quite figured out the logistics of that yet but the point is, I FUCKING HATE THIS PORN TOO. I hate it! And what about their disgusting facial expressions? Who can keep a boner while looking at those grimaces? Anyways, I hate to always agree with The Guy but he said everything I would have said, but he said it better (and I love his tags.) This is a horrible clip and I wish it didn’t exist, and I wish there weren’t so many people who prefer this type of porn to what I like to refer to as “The good shit.”

HE SAYS:
I’ve seen this girl a lot but never knew her name until now. Hi, Audree Jaymes, thanks for all the boners. I love Audree’s body. She might have the curviest (is that a word) body I have ever seen. She’s a series of soft round circles. I want to touch her soft round circles. This silly white guy gets to touch her circles. He also gets to fuck those circles. What the hell am I even talking about? I need a nap, porn is rotting my brain.

I declare this nipple peeking through Ryaan Reynolds’ shirt to be fucking AWESOME!

OK, now that I have that out of the way check out the rest of Ryann sucking and fucking her boss right on his desk courtesy of Naughty Staff.

HE SAYS:
Yes, you are right, I did have a hard day at work and I would like a beer but don’t hand me a Zima and tell me it’s beer. I have enough to put up with at the office, I don’t need to come home to this shit! I work my ass off while you lounge around all day in you Dior necklace reading magazines and drinking Zima. Here’s an idea, the next time you have a drink waiting for me why not keep it cold in the fridge! Thanks for the warm Zima honey! And why the fuck are you spitting on me? Who wants to be spit on? I’m sorry, I don’t think this is going to work out. (thanks for letting me cum in your mouth though)
SHE SAYS:
I am sorry, but she did not have an orgasm. That brief second when she thought about how to make her orgasm more convincing and decided to roll her eyes back “in ecstasy” was laughable. As a matter of fact, I did laugh! What ever happened to Zima? I remember putting Jolly Ranchers in Zima for extra flavor. I was totally 12 when I was doing this. That doesn’t matter, does it?

Nicole has that Playboy look for sure. The thing I really love about her is her list of “turnoffs.” Usually girls say predictable things like “rude people” or “global warming” but Nicole is turned off by “carriage rides.” Normally you would find crap like that on a playmate’s “turn-on” list but Nicole Narain knows what time it is and I ♥ her for it. That and her amazing naked body.

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