My Best Friend Porn

SHE SAYS:
“Sperm Generators. We drain their balls of all the vital fluids and we use it to ensure the survival of the female species.” Yeah, that makes a lot of sense to me! Just add a murder, a computer, and a “seer” and tons of lesbian sex and we have ourselves a fucking AWESOME porno!

SHE SAYS:
I have nothing against small boobs but these small boobs really look manly to me. I think it is her lack of hips or something. She is very square and very plain, and very manly. AND SHE HAS A FUCKING SKIN TAG! A FUCKING SKIN TAG THAT SHE SHOULD HAVE JUST TAKEN A FUCKING PAIR OF SCISSORS OR SOMETHING TO BEFORE SHE FUCKING WAS FILMED! Seriously, what happens when you cut off a skin tag?

OK, I will google it right now. Well…YES! You CAN remove skin tags at home, and according to the Wise Geek site, scissors are the tool you should use! Wow, I am smart. OK, so let’s move past the skin tag. Let’s just skip right on ahead to 16:30. What the flying fuck was that teeth-chomp?

What is wrong with porn today? I will tell you: teeth chomping and skin tags.

SHE SAYS:
I love massage clips. I have said this over and over. I am definitely turned on by the tease, and this clip has just enough of it. Just enough you say? Yes, just enough. I think they can do a better job at the tease portion. They sorta just dive right on in! But let’s back it up a bit. Let me just say that I love the back story. One friend just recommending a masseuse to another friend? Right. I really do love these girls and their foundation-crusted faces, their damaged frosted hair, their amber teeth, their earrings, their clicky-button phones, their tans…everything! As much as I think their styles are funny, their bodies are sexy. I got very turned on right away while watching this and masturbated twice. My very favorite part of the WHOLE clip? The very last frame. I want that hanging in my bathroom. You know what is my second favorite thing? THE FUNERAL HOME HOLD MUSIC PLAYING OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

HE SAYS:
Maybe it’s because I was a teen in the 80s, but porn from that period, especially when it has that VHS video tape look, always turns me on. It reminds me of skateboarding home after school, un-pegging my jeans and masturbating to my yearbook. Yes, I had to masturbate to my yearbook because this was before high school girls posted slutty photos of themselves on Myspace and Facebook. Kids today have no idea what we went through just to jerk off. I liked the synthy classical music in this clip, it classed it up in a classy way and made it classy.

Oh Bree Olson, you are so cute. Even when you are jamming a dildo up your pussy you find a way to look cute as a button. Here’s a little Bree Olson for your boner.

Bree Olson

SHE SAYS:
I honestly have a high tolerance for “average” people having sex, but the blonde in this clip is really gross to me. Maybe it’s the bleached blonde hair, the giant (pierced?) lips or the floppy boobs, but she just turned me off in the worst way. You know what? I masturbated to it anyways. I really needed an orgasm because I just watched the Priest Fucks Two Teen Nuns clip and got pretty turned on. I felt like I needed to masturbate to lesbian nipple sucking AND had to settle on this gross clip because, well, I was masturbating as I was typing “redtube.com” into my browser, was getting really turned on, went to the categories, selected “Lesbian” and it was first ones I watched. I started to watch two of them before settling on this clip. By the time I landed on this one I was almost there. I forced myself to get turned on by it. I know! Stop judging me.