My Best Friend Porn

She gets tied up. He gets tied. Who the hell is in charge here?

I love you Lady Sonia!

The amazing trailer for “Teenage Mother” or as the voiceover guy says “Teenage Mutha!”

Teenage Mother – 1967

Wow. I mean WOW! How does a guy with a fucking Yoda tattoo get into porn? How does a guy with a Star Wars tattoo even get laid?

“Cum on your face I will”

Need more Star Wars porn? Here you go!

HE SAYS:
Here’s a great little homemade sex tape. The only problem is there’s nothing weird or funny about it which makes my job of being snarky and entertaining IMPOSSIBLE! The only sort of funny part is when the camera is filming their buttholes (yuck) and the noisy bed makes it sound like he’s sawing wood. See, that wasn’t even funny. Just watch it and get a boner already!

SHE SAYS:
Get me these mugs. Now. Get me these fucking mugs. Yeah, you. I am talking to you. Go onto eBay, look these mother fuckers up, bid on them, win, and then fucking send them to me. YOU! YES!!! I am really talking to you. I am not making a vague statement here. I want you, YOU, to go to some site, a site where they sell these mother fucking boob and penis mugs, pull out that credit card, put your mother fucking name in, put your card number in, your address, your MOTHER FUCKING security code, confirm those fucking shipping details, and fucking get those fucking mugs for me NOW! YOU! GET ME THOSE MUGS, NOW!

HE SAYS:
Seriously, The Girl is not kidding around here. Somebody better get her those fucking motherfucking mugs! She will use it too. She will walk down a busy street with her head held high drinking a vanilla milkshake from a ceramic cock. She’s just that awesome!

I really do love boats almost as much as I love boobs. So to see them together always means a boner is in my future. The problem is do I look at the boat or the boobs as I’m cumming. Here’s Abby from FEMJOY sailing naked.

I know this is fake and I know you have probably seen it a million times but it still is one of the greatest achievements in fake celebrity boob Photoshop technology and deserves to be appreciated again. I think I could masturbate to this photo but I would have to be careful not to glance at Donald Duck as I cum. I just realized this photo is the ultimate wet dream for a plushophile who is also really horny for Christina Aguilera! That person MUST exist and I want to find them!

Here’s the original, less awesome photo.

SHE SAYS:
One of the only things I search for in porn besides “massage” is “nipples.” I have said it before, but I am really, really turned on my nipple play. This clip features a whole hell of a lot of it and I am not complaining one bit. Enjoy!