Nov 03 2008
Zack and Miri Make a Porno
HE SAYS:
It’s kind of a weird thing writing the first post for a brand new website like this, mostly because I know nobody will be reading it. If you did accidentally find this website, welcome, there is a very good chance you are literally the first person to visit. If you have friends, please tell them.
OK, I guess I need to actually review “Zack and Miri Make a Porno” now. How does one convey a sad fart sound in print? I should have known better really, I just don’t like Kevin Smith movies. I thought “how bad could it be” with Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks starring and a plot revolving around porn (my best friend). Let’s just say that Kevin Smith owes me $10.
The whole thing was just a mess and barely worth writing about. In a lame attempt to give real porn a high-five, Smith cast porn legend Traci Lords and current porn star Katie Morgan with her annoying baby-talk and overstuffed tits. I guess it really wasn’t their fault they sucked though, Smith’s script was an impossible to polish turd. And what happened to Jason Mewes? His face looked odd almost like he was wearing a “Jason Mewes” mask or something. The weirdest thing is that somehow Smith managed to make a movie that is incredibly offensive and dumb (racial and shitting jokes) AND is also a cliched, overly sappy “romantic comedy” about best friends who have always loved each other but blah blah blah.
I was watching this movie wishing I was at home watching REAL porn. Real porn rarely lets me down. Real porn is always there for me. Real porn is my best friend!
SHE SAYS:
So, I could keep this short by simply saying that “Zach and Miri Make a Porno” sucked. I won’t though. For my first MyBestFriendPorn.com post, I want it to be good. I want it to be good because I want all of you readers out there (the three of us – one being “The Boy”, the other being myself, and you) to know that I love porn, and I didn’t love this movie. I really, really didn’t.
Kevin Smith, in general, has really not meant anything to me in terms of a film maker. A real person, maybe – I don’t know because we’ve never met. That gets me thinking though – maybe if we did meet we would sit on the couch, playing my Simpsons board game, eating various 7-11 purchased snacks and discussing his major roles such as “Jewish Guy” and “Grumpy Man.” Maybe our evening would be awesome. Maybe I would get really drunk, ignore his disgusting face, and maybe – just maybe – we would end up making out. Maybe he would excuse himself from our sexy scene to go the bathroom to shave his repulsive beard so he could go down on me and spare me from “road rash.” Spoiler alert: Zach shaves his beard before their big, “first time” sex scene with Miri so she didn’t have to deal with his prickliness. He refers to it as “road rash.” How cute. How nice. How romantic.
That brings me to my next point: This was a fucking romantic comedy. A ROMANTIC COMEDY! What could be worse than a romantic comedy, filled with stupid tear-inducing speeches and grand gestures and a disgustingly mismatched couple? I will tell you: one that involves porn. I didn’t even get to see a penis entering a vagina. I saw a bush at one point , some really hard, overly tanned stretch marked balloon boobs (Katie Morgan), and a penis (Jason Mewes), I didn’t see them come together in a way I would masturbate to. I say keep romantic comedies the way they are: ones that don’t have porn in the title so I am not suckered into going. I hated “Zach and Miri Make a Porno”. I love porn. I love porn as much as you. If you want to appease the porn gods, do not support this movie. Thank you and Amen!
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